Winston's Wedding/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW This is a stationary bike. Bernice bought two of these, believe it or not. Yeah, it was during her "we need to do more things together" phase. Luckily I was on my toes that day. I told her I was way too shy to exercise in the same room as her. So I brought my bike down here to the basement. She kept her's upstairs in the kitchen right above me so she can keep an eye on the basement door. Make sure I didn't sneak out. Of course, then she was worried I'd just be down here sortin' screws or whatever, so I showed her this. "unit's got an odometer on it, "and I promise you I'll put the same number of miles on my bike "that you put on yours." oh, here's another little trick. I extended the chain on my bicycle, ran it up through the floor, hooked it up to the sprocket of her bicycle! [ laughing ] oh, time for my workout. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. All right. [ applause continues ] yeah, I really appreciate that. Unfortunately, not too much news this week. Buster hadfield forgot to mix oil with the gas for the outboards again. So kind of a quiet week on the lake once all the engines seized up. Hey, red, I got an invitation for you and a pretty big announcement. Oh, yeah? You got a new septic truck? Almost as good. I'm gettin' married three weeks from Saturday! Oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] look at that, eh! "winston rothschild..." blah, blah, blah. "septic sucking..." blah, blah, blah our lady of hose? No, that should say our lady of hope. I guess that's a typo. Wow, what brought all this on, winston? Well, I was listening to this month's self-help tape from anthony anthony, and he says a man my age should commit to a life partner and realise all the richness of a complete existence. Couldn't just walk on hot coals, eh? I know it is a little sudden, red. Actually, I was kinda wondering... You're sort of my idol in the marriage department. And I was kind of hoping you'd be my mentor with this whole wedding procedure. Well, I'll do what I can. For starters, there, I would take your ad off of the invitation. Nobody wants to see a picture of a septic truck beside the dinner menu, there. See that's good. You know about this stuff. And it doesn't specify the bride anywhere on here. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's another area I'm gonna need your help with. Um, I don't have one yet. [ laughter ] are you telling me you booked the wedding and you don't even have a bride? Yeah, I figured I'd book the church first because I've that it's harder to get than most of the women around here. Now, wait a sec. Wait a second here. Are you telling me you gotta find a wife in the next three weeks? Oh, don't worry about that. It's not like I'm starting from scratch, red. I've got a list of potentials. Winston, that's the phone book. Yeah, red. Don't you know? She's gotta have a phone, because the girl I marry is also going to be my receptionist. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] today's prize is a user-friendly, space effective, ergonomically designed desk side sortation unit. Uh, mr green, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, yeah, all right, mike. Okay. And go! Okay, dalton, just listen and say the first thing that comes into your mind. Don't think about things. That's when the trouble starts. That's the exact opposite of what anne marie tells me. Okay, that's good, because this word is the exact opposite of anne marie. Heaven? Okay, okay. If someone is happy and up all the time, we say that person is very... Inebriated. I'm talking about attitude. If a person has an up attitude, they must be very... Naive. We're almost out of time, mr green. Think about jumper cables, okay? The black one is the... Burnt end. No, this was black right from the start. It has to do with the polarity of the thing. I think that's the red end of the jumper cables, mr green. You mean the black one's negative? Yes, it is. You sure? Positive. There we go! [ applause ] I bet a lot of you out there started life as children. And I bet your parents read you stories like "goldilocks and the three bears." well, I'm here to tell you, you've grown to adulthood with an awful lot of dangerous misinformation. First of all, bears do not eat porridge. Not when it's hot or cold or even if it's just right. I did once see a bear eat baked beans. That was out of a pot on a camp stove. Then he ate the pot... And then the stove. But no porridge. Second, bears do not sit on chairs. Bears don't sit on anything they don't plan on eating. And just forget about those bears you've seen riding motorcycles in the circus. They're not real. They're just little desperate men in hairy suits. Third, bears do not sleep in beds. In fact, when they're not hibernating, they almost never sleep. I was up a tree once looking down at a bear for 28 hours. He never slept. Didn't even get sleepy. No, a sleepy thing doesn't push your jeep over and chew the tires off. And I don't care what goldilocks says. Pretending to sleep will not get rid of bears. Neither will screaming hysterically or soiling yourself. At least that's been my experience. Nope, the only thing that could've saved goldilocks would have been several large park rangers with nets and tranquilizer guns. So be careful of the fairy tale lies you tell your children. And remember, the next time you hear the call of the wild, let somebody else answer it, huh? [ applause ] you know back when I was growing up, trucks were trucks and vans were vans. Now, instead of man-size vans with the shag lining, we've got these mini-van/s.U.V. Deals. And instead of pick-up trucks, we've got these hiccup trucks. We've lost all the strength and power and rampant waste that was the whole point of trucks. What's an old-fashioned guy supposed to do? I was hoping you'd ask. I believe it's called customizing. What we're gonna do is cut up all the units, and then just put 'em back together using the parts that we want. Kind of like transplant surgery. Just make sure you have enough medical coverage. Oh, one other thing. You might wanna use the front-wheel drive units on this; otherwise, it's a lot of hard work, and the results may not be completely satisfying. [ groaning ] [ sound of shearing metal ] okay, that's the hard part done -- or at least it better be. All right, all we do now is join the big pieces together. Yeah, it's a big job, but luckily, I planned ahead. Really starting to take shape, isn't she? And look at the bonus I got from the piece that's left over. [ chuckling ] oh, baby! [ applause ] I just use that for short trips. Now, this is one of those strange deals where a stupid project turned out actually better than you hoped. This is way too special a vehicle to use as a utility truck. I'm thinking more a mobile luxury condo, complete with hot tub! Hi, mike. Close the door. Oh, sorry, sorry. Oh, yeah, here's something else every luxury condo has... A beautiful balcony. Mmm. Mission accomplished. When people see this thing comin' down the street, they'll know there's a man driving. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Dear lord, what man has brought together, let no pothole rend asunder. [ applause ] I wanna talk to some of you older technilogical illiterates out there. I'm sure you know who you are. The ones who think a palm pilot is a derogatory term for a guy who spends too much time in the shower. Yeah, technology is scary. I don't blame you for being suspicious of it. But what kind of world would this be if we didn't have all the gizmos and doo-dads that we take for granted, like, say, a toaster? You know, without a toaster, bread doesn't turn into toast. It just gets real dry. Now, I suppose you could toast it over a campfire, or take a magnifying glass outside on a sunny day and do her one spot at a time, but that would take a while, and may not be very hygienic, but then, I'm not a doctor, so don't quote me on that. The point is, like it or not, technology's not gonna go away. And I'm not telling you to embrace it or marry a robot or anything. But I think us middle-aged guys need to master technology, or technology's gonna master us. So do what I did... Change the batteries in your remote; go set the clock on the vcr; step up to the clerk behind the counter and say, "I wanna buy a 200 megahertz c.P.U. "with a power v.R. Second generation graphics processor." and you watch his jaw drop, especially if you're in a bakery! Remember I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] boy, red, this whole bride hunt thing's a lot harder than I thought. The only women showing any interest are already married. Did you check all the hot spots in town? Yep. Singles bar? Yep. What about the bus depot? The bus depot is the singles bar. Red, I don't think there's a woman in town I haven't hit on. Well, there is one who may have made it under the radar. Bernice suggested her. She's not much of a looker, but I guess if you come home late enough at night, it wouldn't be too bad. I've got her phone number here for you. Well, looks aren't that important to me, red. Yeah, anthony anthony warns about judging people by their outward appearance. Oh, yeah. Have you seen him? Hey, do you know where I can get some flowers? Uh, try the cenotaph. Oh, okay. Well, I sure hope this works, red, because I've been striking out big time lately. Well, maybe it's your technique, winston. Show me what you do. Pretend I'm the woman. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. Okay, um, hi, I'm winston. I'm getting married in a couple of weeks. Wanna be the bride? [ laughter ] see, now, that's too quick, see? You gotta go slower. You gotta say hello. And compliment the woman, something about herself. Let her know that you're interested in her, you wanna know a little more about her. That kind of thing. Okay. Try again? Sure. Okay. Hi, I'm winston. And I couldn't help noticing that you were sitting here all by yourself. You have beautiful eyes. I was wondering if maybe some time you and I could go for dinner, just the two of us. [ door closing ] [ applause ] [ van brakes squealing ] we can't sit here all night, dalton. I'm thinking. Well, that won't speed anything up. I gotta come up with story to tell anne marie. I can't just waltz in there and tell her I got a boat. Oh, come on, dalton, you wanted a boat, you found one, you bought it, end of story. Be a man, for gosh sakes. Besides, if I go home with this boat, bernice will kill me. You think I could take the boat back? Not tonight. Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, you could wrap yourself in blankets and lie down in the boat. I could set you adrift in the bull rushes. Then you'd become king of egypt, and you could have all the boats you wanted. I've got an idea. Come on, red. You help me get the boat off the van. Get the coiled rope from the back. What are you gonna do? I'm gonna hide the boat on the roof! Anne marie never looks up on the roof. All I have to do is slide it down when I want to use it, and put it back up when I'm done. I may never have to tell her about it. Okay. All right. [ sound of metal scraping ] anne marie: Dalton? What's all that noise about? Uh, I was just checking that out, dear. It doesn't seem to be anything. Go back to bed, sweetheart. Anne marie: Yeah. Who's there with you? Uh, red, red green. Anne marie: Oh. Dalton? Yes, honey. Anne marie: Did you buy a boat? [ crash! ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Lots of people can dish it out, but we can take it. Red: Walter had me come up behind the lodge. He had some kind of a target game. I always like a new kind of game, especially if the rules are fairly simple and I sensed right away this was gonna be pretty easy to grasp. So walter went off into the garden and he picked himself a tomato. And apparently it's not a fruit or a vegetable, it's a projectile. Now, he's trying to hit the centre of the bull's-eye. Let's see how he does. And right into van, which is always nice. He wants to step it up a bit. Is that a butternut squash or something? I'm referring to the melon, of course. Yeah, let's just readjust this, aim it away from the van a little bit. Yeah, that's better. All right. Give this one a go, walter. Let her rip. There we go. This looks better. Okay. Okay. Ha ha ha. Not even close. No, no, no. Never send a boy. All right. Okay. Now, there's a melon. Yep, yep, yep. Set that on there and check this out, walter. Stand back. You could get hurt, little fella. Oh, I love it, love it, love it. And oh, boy! Oh, yeah. But the old competitive spirit comes out in walter. He's gotta 140, 150 pounder he's got there. Oh, my gosh, that's gonna take a -- put her in front of the handle there. There we go. All right, give her a go. Good luck to you. Oh, gosh, that's not right. Get the barrel up there. Get up on the barrel. And then jump on it. Get up on top, then jump down. Okay, give it all you got, walter. Way you go. Give her a go. Oh, it's comin' -- look out, look out! It's comin' -- o-o-oh! Oh! Bull's-eye! [ cheers and applause ] don't you hate this time of year the bugs start kamikazeing on your windshield? Sometimes it's like a biblical plague. I'm glad I totalled my chopper. I don't know what these darned bugs are made of, but the windshield wipers just spread the problem to point you can't even see where you're going. You think to yourself, there's gotta be a better way. Well, there is. I got this roller rig off an old city bus, where they wind the crank to the change the display of where they're going. Only instead of destinations, I loaded up my rollers with plastic food wrap. Then I just drive along, and when it gets so bad I can't see the road, I just pull over and crank my winder. [ applause ] winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services reminding you if your place is reeking, something's probably leaking. Well, winston's out with the future mrs rothschild. It's kind of the last chance for both of them, so I don't expect to see him any time soon. Oh! What happened? You two didn't hit it off? She hit it off. I didn't. Love stinks! Well, you would know. She turned me down flat, red. Doesn't wanna marry me. She's got a "career." she did say that she would live with me for a while, though. Well, that's something right there. No, I don't love her, red. You don't shack up with somebody you don't love. But it's okay to marry them? Sure! Because you get so much time to just get used to each other. You know that concept of being more attracted to somebody after you've been married to them for a while is a bit of a stretch for me. Why don't you just find somebody you like, then just take it from there? Hm, that's not the way anthony anthony says to do it. He married? Eight times! And I can't even get married once. Oh, well. I went by the church and I canceled everything. They're gonna let me off the hook, but the reception hall is gonna keep my down payment. Well, I know what to do. Just switch from having a reception to just having a party. You can have dancing and whatnot there. You might even meet somebody. Hey, that's a great idea! Yeah, I can use it as a business promotion. And if I'm not losing my down payment, that's also good for business. Because you know at rothschild sewage, we've never lost a deposit. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Hey, hey, winston, are you all right with this. Oh, yeah, red. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I mean, I've got my whole life in front of me. My business is humming; my options are open. I'll bet you I'm the envy of every guy here. Don't bet much. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. After what I've seen today, I'm feeling lucky to be married to you. Feeling lucky to have the life that I have. And I'm hoping this lucky streak will continue long after people our age are supposed to be asleep. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause and cheering ] sit down. Come on, guys, sit down. Sit down. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Red: All right, guys, listen up. Winston has a brief announcement. Winston. Winston: Uh, yeah, guys, thanks to red, I'm not getting married. Dalton: Okay, okay, don't say anything more! I just want you to know that I have told everybody in the lodge about you two. And, well, it's okay by us. [ applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com